Why did I become a sex therapist?
Topics:
My Journey
Sex Positivity
Human Potential
I can assure you that a sex therapist was the furthest thing from my mind when it came to any elementary school assignment on what I wanted to be when I grew up. Years later, when I found out what “sex” is, I would have collapsed, paralyzed by disgust and panic to think that I would one day assist others, let alone hear others' stories of their sex experiences and problems. Yuck!
I started college as an art major, but two years of service in India and Kathmandu, Nepal, left me wanting to help people facing problems and challenges. So I changed my major to social work. That is where I discovered the extent to which individuals struggle with disconnection and avoidance of intimacy. I found that compulsive pornography use was a common way to avoid closeness and communication. I was taken aback at the amount of dishonesty, impulsivity, fear, and infidelity that I discovered around client sexuality. During the 1990s in Utah, “sex addiction” was the common term to use when sexuality was misused to escape one's problems, so I took an interest in understanding this phenomenon.
I realized over time that something was still lacking, even though there was some success in giving tools to help clients address patterns of what was considered “bad behavior”. Discontinuing “bad behavior” did not magically produce health and goodness. I also found in my own life that I had a woefully inadequate sex education and carried cultural shame. In my partnership, we both discovered that cultural scripts and trauma had left us with work to do to create a beautiful and thriving sexual relationship.
After research and discussion, I realized that I had to take personal responsibility for my sexuality and that I could not blame parents, culture, my partner, or others. My sexuality was within my control and my responsibility alone. I also realized that the perceived conflict between my sexuality and spirituality was an artificial construct. Though the two may seem dialectically at odds, they synergized and uplifted each other when understood and valued. I broadly studied cultural, spiritual, and religious traditions that prioritized sexual health in a positive and empowering way.
I started to approach counseling with less of a problem lens. I dropped cultural baggage and shame-based messages. I became more comfortable with being more direct. I have sought opportunities to help individuals and couples look beyond their obstacles and challenge their fears of intimacy and sexual connection. I connected with local sex therapists. With the support and encouragement from colleagues, mentors, and my partner, I sought additional training. I challenged the need to prescribe negative labels on sexual struggles and focused on underlying needs, desires, and functioning. I tapped into a passion for sexual health and client empowerment and found that I loved the work of sex therapy.
I believe that sexual energy and connection are and can be so much more than we allow them to be. We live far below our sexual potential. I am a sex therapist because helping others remove blocks and live up to their sexual potential is rewarding, motivating, and just pure fun.
